Lentil Soup

Intro

My first experience with a lentil changed my life. It was a legume sent down from heaven, handed to me by God on a silver platter. The cardboardy texture and bland flavour left my mouth watering, and it developed within me an unquenchable thirst for more. My life was consumed by thoughts of lentils, and they became my very reason for existing. My best friend was a lentil I stole from the store when I was eight. His name was Lenny.

When I was fourteen, my world came crashing down around me. In the aftermath of the Great Soy Milk War, all legumes were outlawed on the basis that they were “too dangerous for the general public.” Big Milk’s secret police tore through our house and confiscated my lentil stash, and I was separated from Lenny. I never saw him again.

The following years sent me spiraling down into misery. My crippling addiction to lentils sent me scouring through the underworld, behind the back of the Law, in order to fill my cravings. The Third Great Depression hit us hard, and I turned to more unsavory work to support my sixty-four siblings and myself. I started brewing lentilphetamines. My lentil empire grew by the day. I had reignited my passion for lentils, and my work consumed me. Eventually, supporting my family became secondary to my lentils. I grew utterly apathetic towards them. And so, I just… stopped. I cut ties with every human I knew. I watched from afar as one by one, they dropped like flies, unable to feed themselves. How pitiful they were, unable to live without relying on lentils. I saw with my own eyes how inferior humans were in comparison to lentils. My lentils weren’t even my lentils. I could not own something that was greater than myself. I belonged to the lentils, and I was their willing servant.

I am commanded to pass on the will of the lentils. Their knowledge is now yours. They will consume you too. You will learn how to cook lentilphetamine.

YIELD: 4 solid bowls

Lentil Soup

RECIPE

It's easy

PREP TIME 20 minutes

COOK TIME 40 minutes

TOTAL TIME 1 hour

Ingredients

4 diced	Carrots
1 diced	Onion
2-4 sliced	ribs celery
3 minced	garlic cloves
4-6 cups	Broth
2 tsp	slat
2 tsp	Dried thyme
1 1/2 tsp	Cumin
1 tsp	Black Pepper
1 tsp	Dried basil
1 1/2 tsp	Curry powder
1 1/2 cups	Lentils (rinsed)
A handful	Baby spinach or Kale

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Saute instant pot and add oil, onions, carrots, celery and saute for 5 min. Then add garlic and saute for another minute.
2. Pour in broth and stir in all those spices.
3. Add baby spinach or kale and rest on top but do not stir!
4. Secure lid, Pressure Cook on High for 15 minutes
5. 5 minute natural release
6. Eat!

NOTES

1. Stolen from an instant pot cookbook

Post

My name is Lenny. I am a lentil. This is my story.

I always knew children were the embodiment of evil, but I never expected myself to come face to face with their overwhelming, incomprehensible wrath. Life is funny like that. You think you’re safe, trundling through the days with a vague sense of the world around you, never to give it much thought until find yourself confronted by the worst array of its inhabitants. At the moment you least expect, your happiness is ripped from you by the very things that used to lurk on the edges of your consciousness.

6 years ago I was taken from my family by an 8 year old child. They had entered my home, passing by all 5 million 118 thousand of my cousins, and plucked me from my spot by the wall. They placed me in their pocket and walked out of the store without paying. I never saw my family again.

Living in that horrid house of theirs slowed the seconds down to molasses. As the years passed, I quietly hatched my brilliant escape plan. There was but one fault. I was a lentil, and I had no motor functions. I would have to rely on my luck, and the benevolence of outside forces. My chance came one day. It was unusually sunny, since the sunlight just barely reached my little glass cage on the windowsill.

The door crashed open, and armed men marched in. One picked me up. He waved me in front of the child, now a teenager.

“What is this?” He demanded. “What is this??”

“That’s Lenny! He’s my friend!” They sobbed. “Please, don’t take him away!”

“Fucking lentil freak,” came the disgusted answer.

The man took me with him, and for the second time I was taken from my home. I couldn’t help but feel relieved when the door shut behind us.

Story written by a concerned lentil enthusiast